the 5 love languages

The 5 Love Languages Summary

Book Review, Personal Development and Psychology, Thoughts of a Mastermind 11 Comments


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We needed love before we “fell in love,” and we will need it as long as we live.

Are you struggling with your relationship with your spouse or partner? Why does it seem like you fell in love so easily, but the spark has gone dull? What can you do to improve your relationship so that love will flow freely?

The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, deconstructs how we want to be loved and how we should communicate our love for others. The 5 Love Languages is a quick and informative read. By applying the techniques Chapman suggests in The 5 Love Languages, anyone can improve their relationship with their spouse.



Summary of The 5 Love Languages

Everyone has a primary love language. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. By learning the love languages and how to work with them, we can cultivate an amazing and loving relationship with our spouse.

First, let’s go over three truths of love:

  • What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.
  • Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
  • My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language.

Understanding the truths listed above sets the stage for the 5 love languages. No one is always consistent in their actions; it is impossible. We must work each and every day on ourselves and on our relationships.

The 5 Love Languages are:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch

Everyone has their own personal primary love language. Your picture of a perfect mate should give you some idea of your primary love language.

5 Powerful Passages from The 5 Love Languages

  • Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.
  • Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must if we want to communicate love.
  • Visual symbols of love are more important to some people than others.
  • The most important thing you can do for your mate in a time of crisis is to love him or her. If your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries.
  • If she feels loved and admired and appreciated by her husband, then she has a desire to be physically intimate with him. Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

Action Steps

For me, I’m single, but I can still look to incorporate the concepts of The 5 Love Languages in my day to day activities. Before reading The 5 Love Languages I thought my primary love language was Quality Time. I now know my love language is Acts of Service. When my roommate doesn’t clean up the kitchen, no wonder I get upset!! 🙂

While reflecting on my reading of The 5 Love Languages, I thought back to my previous relationships. Like I said above, I thought my love language was Quality Time. Upon further reflection, it is clear that my favorite hang outs were times when my significant other cooked for me, planned a day for us, or helped me do some chores.

In addition to coming to the realization on my primary love language, I want to try to figure out my friends’ love languages. This will help create an environment where my friends and family around me will be happy due to my actions.

With empty love tanks, couples tend to argue and withdraw, and some may tend to be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when the love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a climate that seeks to understand, that is willing to allow differences and to negotiate problems.

My Recommendation

The 5 Love Languages is a book every couple who has a serious relationship should read. The 5 Love Languages gives you actionable steps for you to improve your relationship. While I’m single, I have been thinking how I can apply this in my day to day life. In particular, I want to figure out my roommates’ love language so I can increase the household happiness 🙂 If you are single, I’d still recommend The 5 Love Languages. You will be able to understand why your parents treated and brought you up the way they did. All in all, The 5 Love Languages is a informative, quick read packed with great insights into how to have healthy relationships.

Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different.

Buy this Book!

Do you know your love language? Do you know your spouse’s love language? Are you actively looking to improve your relationships through reading?


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Comments 11

  1. My husband and I read this when we were engaged and it was such an eye opener! I don’t think that people truly grasp the concept that not everyone receives love in the same manner. Just because I prefer to receive love in the form of Acts of Service (hello, I’m a mom. Help me do the laundry!), doesn’t mean my husband does too. I learned that he prefers Quality Time. So, when he’s out in the garage working on something, he would like for me to sit in there and spend time with him. This book really set the tone for our marriage! What a great review!!!

    1. Post

      Wow, I’m very glad you and your husband read The 5 Love Languages and are applying it. Sounds like a great marriage – I hope to emulate that someday.

      Thanks, Mrs. Daisy, for the comment and stopping by!

  2. My wife and I went through this book early on in our marriage. It was a terrific book and something that I’m still trying to master. Her love language is words of affirmation. Since this isn’t my love language it doesn’t come naturally so I have to remind myself to do it often 🙂

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      Hey MSM. It’s great to hear you read this one early on in marriage. It seems to be very important for maintaining successful relationships. What is your primary love language? Is it the same as your parent’s primary love language?

        1. Post

          Ha, ask them!

          My dad is most likely quality time. We love to play golf together and he was my coach growing up for baseball and basketball. My mom is most likely Gifts or Acts of Service. She definitely expresses her love through Acts of Service!

          Thanks again for stopping by MSM.

  3. This is a great recommendation Erik. Just by reading your summary, I already know that I have a lot to work on, especially understanding my spouse’s love language. I wonder if some of these points can be applied in a work relationship?

    1. Post

      Definitely Leo to your last point at work. My bosses’ language is most likely quality time. Since it’s quality time, I try to have lunch with him often and develop our personal relationship.

      It’s tough, his family is in a different city so he only spends 2 weeks here and then goes home for 2 weeks.

  4. I haven’t read the book, but my partner and I did the 5 Love Languages quiz online early on in our relationship. My love language is Acts of Service and his is Physical Touch (and Quality Time was way up there as well).

    I still remind myself of this often when I am looking to validate or thank my partner, and have been way more intentional about how I show him love. Might be time to check out the book for a refresher!

    1. Post

      Hey Kate, thanks for stopping by. It’s good to remember the little (or the big, in this case) things about your partner. The book has a lot of good examples and ways to implement them!

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